The Single Most Important Thing Everyone Should Know And Practice To Communicate Effectively

I’ve noticed that many people don’t know how to communicate effectively, especially when there is conflict.  It is not something we are taught, it’s something we are just expected to know.  As a result, communication is often demanding, aggressive, and the result is either a one-sided explosion of emotion or a means to coerce someone into doing what you want.  So here is a method that works in almost any context (school, work, intimate relationships, etc.) to help you communicate when there is conflict: Non-violent communication.  

Non-violent communication (NVC), created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, is a process that can be utilized when conflict arises in relationships of all kinds with people of almost any age.  It has 4 steps and 2 parts.  Here is the first (expressive) part.

1. Describe the facts about what happened.  Don’t generalize (“You always_____”

  or “Every time you_____’). Be specific (“When you said______”).

1. Express how this made you feel using 1-3 feeling words.  I’ve attached a couple of docs here to help you express yourself better.  As Don Miguel Ruiz said in The 4 Agreements, “Be impeccable with your words.”

2. State your needs that weren’t met at the time.  Example: “...because of my need for [trust, connection, joy, etc.]...”

3. Request what you need to feel better.  Your request should be something positive.

So, putting it all together would look something like this:

“When you didn’t return my calls or texts on Sunday, I felt angry and disregarded because of our agreement to share the workload with our partnership.  I would like it if you responded to my communication within 24 hours.” 

I should note, there is a bit of timing involved.  In order for this to work you can’t be in the moment of the incident and your emotions have to settle. 

The second part is to listen mindfully.  Sounds easy, but this really is a skill that many people don’t have or practice.  To come back to The 4 Agreements, the second agreement is to not take anything personally.  It is really difficult to check your ego at the door.  When your partner in this communication is speaking, listen to understand what they are saying and feeling.  Do not listen to respond or just assume you know how they are feeling because you’ve been in this situation before.  Be present in this moment, reflect back what they are saying to make sure you are understanding them, and acknowledge their request.  

To continue with the example above, the listener could say something like this:

“I apologize for not returning your texts and calls right away and making you feel disregarded and ignored.  I will make sure to respond to you within 24 hours in the future.” 

This is by no means a strict formula for interaction, but more of a guideline to communicate with compassion and understanding to build authentic relationships. As far as health and wellness coaching goes, this practice will help you communicate effectively, promote personal growth, decrease stress, and increase the quality of all of your relationships.